I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
