i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
