Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
