he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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