Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
