She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
