im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize