you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
