i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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