I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
