The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Four minutes until I can fart!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
