guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
