i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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