awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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