saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
