Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize