I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
