That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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