You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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