Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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