good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
