I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
