I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
ttyl tear gas
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
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