Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
