mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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