I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
