My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
