If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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