Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
