I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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