Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize