I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
