I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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