Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize