In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
