It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
