My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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