I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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