thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
