I just cut my nipple shaving
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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