I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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