Can i not drive my cunt home
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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