guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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