I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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