you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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