her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
