shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
