what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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