When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
