Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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