Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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