I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
