first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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