Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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