we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Randomize