Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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