My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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