I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
