Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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