I think my fart just growled at me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize