Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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