yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
