i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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