Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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