It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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