I CAN MOONWALK!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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