Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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