have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
