Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he thought i was a dude.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
