theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
