Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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