Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
