I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
