She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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