Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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