In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
