I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
