I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
