sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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